The following is your horoscope for the week, according to our totally accurate astrological forecast:

  • Aries: If you are a jerk to someone today, they’re going to take offense to it and you’ve earned it.
  • Taurus: You may see a cow today.  Tipping the cow can result in a reward, but only if you count a kick from a cow as a reward.
  • Gemini: It may seem like a good idea to say that the other you did it, but the joke’s on you, your doppelganger is a delightful person.
  • Cancer: A crab may claw your toe today.  It may seem unusual as you don’t stick your feet in tide pools, but crabs are in fact sneaky little bastards (on Tuesdays).
  • Virgo: If you get it in today, does that mean you’re a Libra?
  • Libra: Just because you’re the scales, doesn’t mean you have to measure everything.  The weight on the package is accurate enough.
  • Sagittarius: Real talk: how do your centaur babies keep their heads up?
  • Capricorn: How many goats would a goat-fish fish, if a goat-fish could fish goats?
  • Aquarius: If you go swimming today, you may, in fact, get wet.  But you do you.
  • Pisces: One should hope you’re in a puddle or something, but if not, I mean, it was nice knowing you?